Cliché Catastrophes
by Geekachu
Summary: In which I take overused plots, characters, etc. . .and make them even worse.
1. The RAVEN-HAIRED Trainer

Disclaimer: *sad face* I just got some news today. It turns out that I don't own Pokémon.

A/N Greetings, my wonderfully brave readers! Here is the first chapter of what just might become a series, depending on if people want me to continue it or not. In this chapter, I'll be attacking one of my pet peeves; a certain nickname people seem to love giving Ash. Once in a while is fine, I guess, but I CANNOT STAND it when it's ridiculously overused. So that's why I'm about to use it a whole lot more.

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The RAVEN-HAIRED Trainer

"Pikachu, use Thunderbolt!" shouted Ash, as his RAVEN-COLORED HAIR blew in the wind. Funny how that happened - he was indoors.

"Piiiiiiiika-CHUUUUUUU!"

The electric-type move lit up the entire arena, knocking out their opponent and making Ash's RAVEN-COLORED HAIR shine brilliantly.

"And the winner of Whatever-the-Heck-this-Tournament-is-Called is Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town!" the announcer . . .announced. The crowd cheered wildly, happy that the RAVEN-HAIRED trainer had won.

Pikachu leaped gracefully onto the RAVEN-HAIRED boy's shoulder, and they both bowed magnificently. The loser of the battle sighed. He wasn't surprised that he had lost to the trainer with the RAVEN-COLORED HAIR.

Soon afterwords, the RAVEN-HAIRED boy went home, where Delia Ketchum welcomed back her RAVEN-HAIRED son. All of his friends were there as well.

"So, what do you plan to do next, Ash?" Brock asked the RAVEN-HAIRED boy as they all sat at the table and chatted.

"I don't really know," said the RAVEN-HAIRED trainer. "I'm thinking about heading over to the Orange Islands - I've heard there's lots of sun there this time of year."

"But Ash!" Dawn squealed, "all that sun will bleach out your amazing RAVEN-COLORED HAIR!"

Ash rolled his eyes. As if any amount of sun would do that to _his_ RAVEN-COLORED HAIR. "Dawn," he said condescendingly, "I've never had anything but RAVEN HAIR. I'm really special that way. My RAVEN-COLORED HAIR has always been unified that way."

Delia spoke up. "I think you mean 'unique,' Ash. And your RAVEN HAIR isn't even -"

"Anyway!" Ash yelled. There was a very short but stupidly awkward silence. "Who wants cake?" Everyone raised their hands in excitement, because seriously, who doesn't like cake?

After they finished, Ash's friends all got up to go home. Unfortunately, a thunderstorm had started, so they were stuck in the RAVEN-HAIRED boy's house. So they got together to decide what to do until the storm ended. They were just getting ready to play Bingo (May's idea) when they heard a crash of thunder - and a loud squawk.

"What was that?" asked Misty. "It sounded like it came from Ash's direction." They all looked towards the boy with the RAVEN HAIR.

Ash laughed nervously. "Uh, it wasn't me! Why would I make a sound like that? That's just silly!"

Suddenly, there was more thunder, and another squawk, again coming from where Ash was. He began to sweat, and tried to look innocent.

Soon, it was thundering a lot more, and the squawking got louder. Everyone looked in Ash's direction, and saw that he had his hands on his RAVEN-COLORED HAIR, and it was _moving_.

"Ash, what's happening to your hair?" asked Brock.

"Nothing!"

Then there was one more crash of thunder. Can you guess what happened next? Wait, don't guess, I'll tell you! Ash's RAVEN HAIR suddenly flew off his head and landed in the middle of the kitchen table. Everyone stared in horror, except Delia, who didn't look surprised at all. Then, everyone (except for Ash and Delia) realized something. Ash's RAVEN-COLORED HAIR was not hair at all.

It was. . .

. . .

. . .

A RAVEN!

Who would've thunk? Now they all knew why Ash's hair always made them think of a RAVEN.

All of Ash's friends burst into laughter, because Ash looked really funny without any hair, and because he had spent years walking around with a bird on his head. The RAVEN, tired of all this, flew out the window. Ash, his pride wounded, ran upstairs crying. His friends just kept laughing, and his mother didn't really do anything except sit there and eat some more cake. Because seriously, she liked cake.

Thuh End

A/N Thus concludes Chapter One! I hope you liked it, and if you have any suggestions for what I should do next, review and let me know!


	2. The Incredible Ash

Disclaimer: Me no own Pokémon.

A/N Here I am again with another chapter! Thanks to all who read, reviewed, and/or favorited this. You're awesome! Special note to PikaBulbasaur: Just so you know, I haven't forgotten about your suggestion. It's just being really stubborn right now. But I'll get it done!

Anyway, this chapter involves the popular plot where Ash is abandoned by his friends (as suggested by Positive Pessimist). Clichés in this type of story tend to run rampant. It's _insane_.

Let us begin.

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The Incredible Ash

One fine day, someone committed a crime and everyone thought Ash Ketchem did it. I don't know why, but there must have been A REALLY GOOD REASON! Probably. Oh, and the crime was that somebody, um, killed Professor Oak. Yeah, that'll work.

Anyway, all of Ash's friends thought he did it too, because Ash was mad at Professor Oak because Professor Oak accidentally spilled coffee on Ash and it really hurt. And when Ash's friends found out, the conversation went something like this:

"Oh Ash, why would you do such a thing?" asked Delia Ketchem, who was really sad, because she had always told her son not too retaliate if somebody spilled coffee on him by accident. Oh, and just so y'all know, Ash was in a holding cell at the moment, because the police totally thought he was the killer. It didn't matter that Ash had no criminal record whatsoever, or that getting coffee spilled on you was kind of a stupid reason to kill someone. Poor Ash.

"I told you, Mom, I didn't kill Professor Oak! Why don't you believe me?" asked Brock. Just kidding. Ash said that. This is what Brock said:

Well, he didn't actually say anything. He just glared, which is quite a feat, you know, because his eyes were always closed. But yeah, he glared up a storm.

"We don't believe you because you're a liar and a crook and a lot of other bad things!" yelled Misty, who was travelling through Johto at the time. Just kidding, she was in Kanto with everyone else. Misty isn't THAT loud, silly.

"I just knew you were a bad guy the whole time," said May. "You and your refusal to evolve Pikachu, I knew something was up."

Dawn decided to chip in, too. "Yeah!" After a moment, she said, "Totally!" Dawn wasn't that great with words. Kinda like Ash.

"You're a horrible person who deserves to rot in jail for the rest of your life! I thought you were our friend, but you're just a filthy traitor! You're such a kid!" I bet you can guess who said that. If you can't, I'll give you a tiny little hint. It was Iris.

"Come on guys, why would I do that? You really think I would kill Professor Oak just because he spilled coffee on me? I didn't do it!" said Ash, who, for once, was being smarter than everyone else.

But no one believed him, and they all left him in jail where he would be all miserable.

And so he rotted in jail for a few weeks. He started to become a very angry and cynical person, and just a tad bit emo. Just kidding. He got REALLY emo. And for some strange reason, his IQ went way up during that time.

But like I said, he only stayed there for a few weeks, because Pikachu helped him break out. Then Ash took all his pokémon and went away to Alto Mare where he got in touch with Latias, and they started dating. Yeah, you heard me. Ash and Latias. Lovely couple, they are. It was so romantic!

So then Ash, Latias, and all Ash's pokémon went to some uncharted island to train for five long years. They got really strong. And I mean REALLY strong. So strong, in fact, that when they heard about an international Pokémon Championship that was being held in Unova, they decided to go there and win. Because they were super strong and they knew they could easily win. Not kidding.

Ash arrived at Unova after swimming five hundred miles to get there. Just kidding, it was seven hundred miles.

He went to a pokemon center to register for the competition and to get a room for the night. All the Nurse Joys were practically drooling at the sight of him, because he was seriously hot and shady-looking, and it is a little-known fact that Nurse Joys loved guys like that. But their hearts were broken when they saw that he already had a girlfriend. Latias was in her human form at the time, and she was way more beautiful than any of the Nurse Joys, which made them even sadder.

Then they went to sleep and then it was the next day, 'cause I want it to be the next day now. So Ash woke up and went outside to train in some deep, dark, scary woods.

AND THEN! Ash met up with his former friends. This is how that went down:

Well, Ash's former friends were all in a big group. Because of course they always hung out together after the Ash Incident. Don't ask for a reason, because I quite honestly don't know why they would do that. I mean, come on, wouldn't being all together just, I don't know, bring up bad memories of the past? But whatever, we'll just accept it for the sake of, uh, character development! Yeah. That makes sense. And don't you deny it!

Now I'm going to awkwardly throw in a little detail about them: They had realized that Ash was innocent the day after he escaped, and they were very repentant. I don't how else I should bring it up. But I'm still a great author! And don't you deny it!

So, as I was saying, they were in a big group. Then they heard some really epic exploding sounds coming from somewhere in the distance. Deep in the dark, scary woods. I bet you can't guess the cause of the epic sounds! Don't even bother to guess. You never would have guessed that Ash was in those woods. Never.

So anyway, yeah, it was in fact Ash. Except he didn't call himself Ash anymore. He called himself Alpha, or something stupid - I mean awesome! - like that.

The Big Group of Friends walked deep in the dark, scary woods until they saw him. He was training a whole bunch of super powerful pokemon. It was really cool to watch. They all hid in some bushes to watch. They weren't worried about getting hit by some stray Hyperbeam or Flamethrower or anything. The bushes would protect them. Haha, get it? 'Protect'? Hahahahahahahaha! I'm so clever!

"Wow, look at how powerful those pokémon are," said Misty, whose eyes were glowing in awe. "These are the most powerful pokémon I've ever seen!" She continued to stare in admiration at all the awesome things happening, like a feraligatr battling a lucario (because Ash caught a riolu at some point), and flying-types doing amazing feats of arial precision in the. . .stratosphere. I like using big words because it makes me feel special. Please do not rain on my parade, people. Speaking of people. . . .

They saw Ash! I mean Alpha! He was in some sort of fist fight with his infernape, and they were moving around so fast that they were just a blur. Then, the blur stopped, because Ash/Alpha had Infernape pinned to the ground. Then he got up. Yeah.

"That was pretty good, Infernape," said Ash. "You just need to work on your reaction time some more. Don't let me keep catching you off-guard." Apparently, Ash is also some sort of Kung Fu master or something. Just go with it, folks.

Suddenly, Ash snapped his fingers, and all the fighting stopped. (His pokemon must all have really good hearing.) They gathered around him and waited for their next orders. Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, I'll tell you what he looks like.

He was tall and muscular (but not in a bodybuilder way; that's just gross), and he was wearing a black cloak. He was also wearing a black shirt, dark pants, and black fingerless gloves. Okay, I'm bored with describing him. We'll just say he was amazing to look at, okay?

"Okay, everyone, good work," he said. "We'll take a break for now. You can go off and do your own thing, while I go ask those people why they're hiding in some bushes."

All the people (except Ash) gasped. How did he know they were there?

Because he's special that way, of course!

Ash walked up to them and stared at them with an intimidating facial expression, and they were all intimidated by the large amount of intimidation. Yup.

They came out of the bushes and introduced themselves. It seemed like the most tactful thing to do at the time. Ash then introduced himself as Alpha, which is what I'll call him from now on.

I shall now give you a brief summary of what happened next: Alpha mentioned that he was going to win the Pokémon Championship (yeah, that's what it was called), and he also said that he could easily win against any one of them using just one of his pokémon.

All of his ex-friends got mad because he was being a conceited jerk. They really shouldn't have; being a jerk is totally hip! If you're strong, you have the right to treat everyone else like dirt! But they were pathetic losers, so they didn't know that. They, if you can believe it, wasted their time practicing common courtesy. Ew.

Time jump!

The Pokémon Championship had begun, and Alpha had already won against a truckload of people with ease. Most of his friends had also gotten by without any trouble. Just kidding. They were all eliminated already. They were not pleased.

Time jump again!

After several weeks, it was the final round! Alpha verses Paul! Paul, as in that jerk from Sinnoh. But Alpha liked him now, because Paul pretty much acted like him anyway. Which is cool.

The battle was epic! It went on for hours, neither of them giving up. The air was full of electricity and laser beams (don't ask). And explosions. Gotta remember the explosions.

Finally, it was down to Pikachu against Torterra! Here's how the battle went:

Torterra died.

Just kidding! He just almost died. Pikachu was careful not to kill him.

Alpha smiled awesomely.

One more time jump!

It was a month or so afterwords when Alpha (whom his friends later found out was Ash), not satisfied with the amount of power he already had, went and tried mug an old lady. Luckily, the old lady was prepared! She beat Ash with her cane, and Ash was subsequently sent to jail for attempted theft. His pokemon were grievously hurt by Ash's betrayal, Delia disowned him, and Latias left him for Brock.

Later that day, the old lady visited Ash in his cell. This is what she said:

:D

Thuh End


	3. Mary Sue Madness

Disclaimer: Pokémon is something that I do not own.

A/N WHAT THE HECK DID I JUST WRITE? Seriously, I don't even . . . this is really stupid. But I must say, it was a blast to write, and it will hopefully entertain you. Just be prepared for utter retardedness. And if you have suggestions for what I could write next, please tell me! I'm running out of ideas!

PikaBulbasaur asked for a Mary Sue chapter, so here it is!

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Mary Sue Madness

I had been pacing around my room all morning, stopping only once in a while to glance at my computer screen in trepidation. What had I gotten myself into? This was such a stupid plan, and a dangerous one at that. Why had I even agreed to do this?

Well, maybe because nobody else this year had volunteered, making me feel just a tad obligated to lend a hand. This job had a very difficult time getting recruits, so signing up made me feel a bit like a hero of sorts. Too bad I was already beginning to regret this.

Here I was, preparing to go on a Mary Sue Mission, with a dart gun as my only protection.

Yeah, you heard me right. Mary Sue Mission. While it wasn't exactly its official name (it had none), it was the best one I could think of.

My mission? Simple, really. Go into the world of Pokémon Fanfiction, find as many Mary Sues as possible, and attempt to eradicate them. That's where my dart gun came in. I couldn't help but smile a little as I gazed at my weapon fondly. This thing had a lot of power, as you'll see in due time, my dear Reader.

Suddenly, my computer screen started to glow, and a big swirling vortex formed in it, inviting me to jump in. I gulped. While I had no problem going out in style, I was almost certain that Jumping into a Big and Scary but Kinda Pretty Vortex of Horribleness wasn't in the job description. Couldn't they, I dunno, make a door appear out of nowhere or something? Surely that would cut down on costs, at the very least. The Institution of Anti-Sues was a non-profit organization, after all.

Then, before I could take the leap (I was just about to, seriously!) a hand grabbed the front of my shirt and yanked me in. As I was sucked through the portal-thingy, I wondered where the heck I was gonna land. Hopefully somewhere that wouldn't break my bones. They would have me land somewhere nice and soft, right?

Of course not! Guess where I landed! On a hard tile floor, that's where!

I got to my feet, groaning and rubbing my unfortunate back. I had been lying on the floor, if the fact that I _got to my feet _didn't make that fact stupidly obvious. I looked up and saw a group of maybe fifteen or so people staring at me expectantly. My guess was that they were part the Institution. Oh, and did I mention that they were staring at me?

Perhaps they wanted me to say something. "Uh, hi?" How eloquent.

An old man made his way to the front of the crowd. "Hello, my friend!" he said in greeting. "My name is Professor Oak. I assume you've heard of me."

Duh. I didn't say that out loud, though. I would've put the word in quotation marks if I had. Because that's proper English. But I digress.

Oak gestured to the group of people behind him. "These people are part of the Institution. They really aren't important as far as the plot goes, but the author didn't approve of the idea of you being alone in a room with a weird old man, for some reason."

Using my incredible gift of tact, I chose to ignore that last comment and cut to the chase. "So, I'm assuming I have some sort of specific assignment?"

"Ah, yes. Your notification letter mentioned that the general idea was to take out as many Mary Sues as possible. That plan, however, has changed." He looked at me solemnly. "While it would be very good indeed to dispatch of however many Sues you see on your way, I'm sending you on a special mission."

I could practically feel the tension in the air. This was going to be big, I could tell. How could I tell? Because Professor Oak used the words 'special' and 'mission' in the same sentence, of course.

Oak pulled out a notebook and scanned it for a second. "Yes, this would be it. We have a specific Sue that has been causing us quite a bit of trouble. Her name is, oh dear . . . Waylahskise Hydrogen Aphrodite Twilight Adela Natalya Isis Darkness Illuminata Oceana Talisman."

I cringed. "I think I'll just call her Mary Sue."

"Yes, as will I. Anyway, her characteristics are quite, well, Sue-ish. Her hair reaches to her ankles and is described as 'pitch black', but it changes to 'icicle blue' when she uses her Aura powers. Her eyes are normally 'blood red', but also change to blue when she uses said powers." Oak sighed and shook his head. "She is five-foot seven and weighs fifty pounds." (Is that even possible? I wondered.) "She is eighteen years old, has an extremely dark and tragic past that I won't bother to tell you about, is a kung fu master, and speaks twenty languages. The identities of her pokémon are unknown. I would expect at least one of them to be shiny."

Well, golly. "Uh, so, where am I supposed to find her?"

Oak scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I believe she's somewhere in Pewter City, which is where we are right now. We're in the Pewter City Pokémon Center at this moment, though I suppose you had already figured that out."

"Of course." (Lies.) "So, since I'm new here, what exactly will I be doing?"

"Find and shoot, my friend. Find and shoot."

Wow, I'm glad I asked. There was no way I could have figured that out on my own. And before you make any sort of snide remark about my intelligence, Reader, I'll have you know that I was being sarcastic.

Before I could ask any more questions, Professor Oak pushed me out the front doors without so much as a 'Good luck!'

"Good luck!"

Oh, there we go.

The streets were completely empty, that is to say, there weren't any people around. That's what that term means. Hopefully you already knew that.

Anyway, using by amazing gift of deduction, I deduced that the Mary Sue could be at the Pewter City Gym. In other words, I decided that I might as well check the Gym first. Yeah. Aren't I smart? Stop shaking your head at me, Reader. It isn't nice.

I had quite the uncanny sense of direction, so it took me only ten minutes to get to the Gym. Okay, I lied. I actually had to use a map. And a GPS system. The ten minute thing was still true, though.

As soon as I walked into the Gym, I was knocked off my feet by a massive burst of power coming from the other end of the building. What does a massive burst of power feel like when it hits someone, you may ask? Well, it feels a bit like a cross between getting hit by a medium-sized tsunami going approximately seventy-one miles per hour and being pulled backwards by a chimpanzee that had somehow tied a rope around one of your vertebrae. And then there was the extra sensation of having three quarts of cold Tabasco sauce dumped on your head. That about explains it.

I lay there for a moment on the floor of the Gym (for I had not smashed through a wall or window and landed outside), feeling like I had been hit by a tsunami, yanked backwards by a chimpanzee with a rope, and drowned in Tabasco sauce at the same time. And then . . .

. . .

. . .

. . . Too many pauses, you think? Yeah, I think so, too. Blame Mary Sue for that. Mary Sues tend to annoy people with the overuse of pauses. As I was saying . . .

Mary Sue appeared! Well, it was more like I appeared, because she had already been there (there being the Gym). But she came into my field of vision, and that counts. Yeah.

Since Professor Oak had already described her, I won't bother mentioning anything about her appearance. You probably remember what she looks like, and if you don't, it really doesn't matter anyway.

"Who darest entereth my lair of death?" the Mary Sue roared very melodiously. That really seems like a contradiction. "He who cometh without just cause shalt be drawn and quartered!" Her red eyes turned an unrealistic shade of blue at that moment, and a random rock blew up.

Hm. Maybe I ought to introduce myself? "My name is—"

"Shut the f*** up, heathen!" Quite the vocabulary, eh? Her parents would be so proud. "I knoweth whyeth thou hast cometh, and thy reason is f***ing stupid! I shalt not alloweth such obscenities!"

If there was one thing I hated, it was poor language skills. "What the heck are you trying to say to me, lady? I'm terribly sorry, but I don't speak Stupid." And with that, I pulled out my gun and fired it at the Sue.

The dart hit her in the foot (I was aiming for her head). She shrieked in anger and yanked it out of her shoe as a ridiculously large volume of blood poured out on the floor. "What the f***! How dare you! You're, like, a f***ing retard!" Then she gasped in shock. "What, like, happened to my, uh . . ."

"Vocabulary?" I offered helpfully.

"Yeah!" Another nearby rock exploded.

"Well," I said, wasting time talking to her when I should have been fighting her, "the dart you were just hit with is filled with Mary Sue antivenin. Whenever you get hit with one of these, you lose a random Sue trait. In this particular case, it was your pathetic excuse for 'old-fashioned' speech. You can still cuss, though," I finished, feeling very smart and accomplished.

I should have remembered that she was still a Sue. I was suddenly hit with a great power that was vaguely reminiscent of tsunamis, chimpanzees, and Tabasco sauce. I was just getting up (for I had obviously fallen once again) when Mary Sue released a pokémon from a Master Ball.

I wasn't surprised at all when the pokémon proved to be a—

"Shiny Mew! I want you to like, kill this jerk!" Mary Sue was so angry by this time that she was floating roughly thirteen inches off the ground. Shiny Mew looked at her in confusion.

"Mew?"

"Of course I'm feeling okay! I just like, got hit by a dart, so I like, can't talk all cool anymore!"

Shiny Mew didn't seem to be buying it, and looked to me for confirmation. "Mew?"

"Uh, yeah, what she said. I was just trying to make her not a Mary Sue anymore."

Shiny Mew looked delighted. He(?) quickly flew over to me and snatched the gun from my hands. "Hey! What are you—"

He then shot Mary Sue in the face.

Mary Sue screamed in anger when the dart hit her, and then in horror when all her hair fell out. "NOOOOOO! MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTY!" She started to run around in circles for no apparent reason. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT, LOSER!" she shouted, still running around.

Before she could smash me into oblivion with her Aura powers, Shiny Mew hit her again with a multitude of darts. She lost her Aura abilities within seconds, but not before she had managed to break all the windows in the Gym, catch the walls on fire, smash me on the floor several times (giving me a concussion in the process), destroy all of the Gym's electrical workings, and kill one hundred forty-four cockroaches.

I slowly got to my feet (because yes, I had indeed been sprawled on the floor as a result of Mary Sue's temper tantrum) and look up at the accursed creature (i.e. Mary Sue).

The darts had clearly taken their toll. Mary Sue's worst nightmare had come true. SHE LOOKED LIKE YOUR AVERAGE AMERICAN. Feel free to gasp, Reader.

"NOOOOOOOOO! What did you do to me? I'm so ugly now!"

"Not really. You just look rather below average. And hey, at least your hair grew back! It's dirty blond now. And your eyes are now brown, just so you know. And you're about half a foot shorter." I tilted my head thoughtfully. "And you've probably gained a hundred pounds or so."

That was the last straw for Waylahskise Hydrogen Aphrodite Twilight Adela Natalya Isis Darkness Illuminata Oceana Talisman. She screamed in rage, then disappeared in a puff of purplish-gray smoke.

I sat down on the floor (due to the lack of nearby chairs) and heaved a sigh of exhaustion. Being beaten up by a rogue Sue was not exactly a relaxing pastime. Understatement, you say? I quite agree. That was the whole idea.

Shiny Mew flew around in happiness, finally free from the plague that was Mary Sue. He flew out the window, still holding my dart gun. I didn't complain. I supposed he needed it more than I did, anyway.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Brock appeared. And when I say 'out of nowhere', I don't mean it literally. He had to have come from somewhere.

"Hi there!" he said cheerily. "Thanks for taking out that Sue. I've been hiding in my closet for hours!" He smiled, and his eyes probably sparkled. Probably.

My jaw dropped. "Wait a minute, you've been in the Gym the whole time? Why didn't you help me? You're the Gym Leader!"

He shrugged. "The same reason nobody else helped you. Mary Sues are immune to any and all canon characters."

"Oh."

Brock smiled and helped me to my feet, for I was still sitting. Otherwise, there would be no need, seeing I would have been standing, and therefore, already 'to my feet'. But maybe you realized that.

Suddenly, the front doors opened automatically (them being automatic doors), and Professor Oak, along with a dozen other members of the Institution, came in. "Congratulations, my friend. You have defeated the Sue!"

"Well, technically, Shiny Mew did. After I told him what the gun did, anyway."

Oak sighed and shook his head. "What is it with Mary Sues and legendary pokémon? Not that it matters now. The threat is gone, and the citizens of Pewter City are safe again. Thank you for the help. It's much appreciated." He smiled and shook my hand.

"It was no trouble." (Actually, it was.) "So, I guess I'll be heading home now."

"Ah, yes, you shall. I'll take you back to the Center straight away and reopen the portal for you." Oak paused for a moment. "You know, I never did catch your name. Well, I suppose you can't tell me your real name, but what is your alias?"

Oh, poor me. I had been nameless this entire time. "I go by Geekachu. Or sometimes Geek. Either way's cool."

"All right then Geekachu, I'll show you the way ho—wait a minute."

I stared at him in confusion. Oak was standing very still. He then looked at me in shock.

"Your alias is Geekachu?"

"Yeah. . . ." What was wrong with that? I was starting to feel a little nervous.

"The author of this story also goes by the name Geekachu. So that must mean . . ."

Everyone was staring at my now, some in shock, others in anger.

". . . you're a self-insert."

I suddenly found myself surrounded by a group of very angry people who all, for one reason or another, apparently kept large butcher knives with them at all times. They were slowly creeping closer and closer to me, ready for the kill.

"We don't tolerate self-inserts here."

Meep.


	4. Eeveepocalypse

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon.

A/N Sorry about the lack up updates, folks. School has been cruel. Anyway, here was an idea given to me by bunbon (via PM). The premise? The overuse of Eevee. 'Nuff said.

I hope you all enjoy this chapter. :) If you have any suggestions for what else I should write about, let me know!

OoOoOoOoO

Eeveepocalyse

"Okay Eevee One, ready?" Janie asked her starter pokémon, looking down at her partner affectionately. The two of them were standing next to the Pallet Town Laboratory. Why they were there was irrelevant—I just needed to give them some sort of starting point.

"Eevee!" it/he/she/whatever cried, and hopped around in a stereotypically eevee-ish fashion that was sickeningly cute to watch. If someone with the flu had been watching, they would have thrown up everything they had eaten in the past year. It'd be like a magic show you would never want to see.

Well then, what are we waiting for? Let's go!" Janie started to walk off in a random direction, and Eevee One skipped along behind her, constantly squealing its species name in an incredibly annoying way. Eevee One was lucky that there weren't any eevee-haters around at the moment, because if there had been, it/he/she/whatever would've been skinned, disemboweled, and thrown in a bonfire by now. Oh well.

So like I said, they were walking in a random direction, because no one really cares where they were going. Heck, Janie and Eevee One didn't even care. I really don't know if they were going on some sort of journey, or running away from home, or walking to the nearest fast-food joint, or looking for some place to buy weed. Who knows? I don't—I'm making this stuff up as I go along. 'Cause that's what you're supposed to do when you write about a person named Janie and an eevee named Eevee One.

They left Pallet Town and skipped along a sunny dirt path, both very happy and in good spirits, because they didn't know how their day would turn out. If they had, they would have stayed home and watched Mickey Mouse or something.

Suddenly, the sunny dirt path became very wet, because it had randomly started to rain. Darn Pallet-Town-and-surrounding-areas weather. So very fickle. This kinda reminds me of the first episode of Pokémon. Only Janie and Eevee One liked each other, and there weren't any spearow and fearow, and there was no Misty to be found. No bike either.

"Hey look Eevee One! Who's that red-haired girl with the bike fishing by that river? And why are there so many spearow and fearow flying above us?"

Okay, this is getting really stupid. How should Eevee One know who that person was, or why a bunch of birds were flying around? Stupid Janie.

Out of nowhere, all the spearow and fearow started chasing after them! (How scary.) Janie and Eevee One gave matching shrieks as they started to run towards the other girl. As they approached her, something incredible happened.

The girl stood up, shouted, "My name is Misty!" and disappeared. Turns out she was only a mirage. A mirage named Misty. In fact, all of the spearow and fearow were mirages, too. Even the rain was a mirage! Janie and Eevee One were safe and happy again, and continued on their merry way.

Only there was a small problem. A non-mirage fearow burst out the trees, sped towards them, and swallowed Eevee One in a single bite. Then it flew away.

Bummer.

Janie fell to her knees in despair. "No! My poor precious irreplaceable Eevee One!" she sobbed. "How will I go on without it/him/her/whatever?" But then she gathered herself together and bravely brushed away her tears, because YOLO.

She stood up and pulled a pokéball from her shoe. She threw it high in the air. "Go, Eevee Two!" she shouted.

Out popped an eevee identical to the one before him. "Eevee!" he cried out in a no less annoying way then his predecessor had.

"Eevee Two, I'm so glad you're here. Eevee One was just eaten by a monster bird, and we'll need each others' support to get us through these difficult times!"

Eevee Two tilted his head. He'd actually never gotten well aquainted with Eevee One. He had spent rather more time with Eevee Three, Eevee Four, Shiny Eevee, Janie's Mom's Eevee, Janie's Grandpa's Eevee, The Neighbor's Eevee, and Janie's Mom's Dad's Best Friend's Brother's Son's Niece's Cousin's Barber's Eevee. So he really didn't care.

"Oh, Eevee Two! You're so brave to be taking this so well! What would I do without you? Eevee One was my moon, but you are my stars, just as Eevee Three is my sun, Eevee Four is my rain, and my Mom's Dad's Best Friend's Brother's Son's Niece's Cousin's Barber's Eevee is my Canis Minor!"

She picked him up and spun around several times, only stopping when she accidentally dropped Eevee Two. "Now," she shouted, as Eevee Two pulled himself out from some bushes, "let's get to Viridian City before lunchtime!"

And so they got to Viridian City just in time for lunch. They ate out at a lovely outdoor cafe that served spicy buffalo wings—which, unbeknownst to them, were actually spicy eevee wings. Go figure.

Unfortunately, about an hour later, Eevee Two keeled over, probably from food poisoning. Janie took this loss slightly better than the first, and a waiter who worked at the cafe even had the courtesy to offer to take Eevee Two's carcass off her hands to 'give it a proper send-off.' How touching.

Janie sadly walked out of town and pulled out another pokéball from her hair. "Go, Eevee Three!"

Another eevee appeared on the ground in front of her. She looked up at her trainer and snarled. She really couldn't stand this particular human. This kid was plain annoying. Eevee Three looked around. They were in some sort of lightly forested area. This looked like a nice place to live.

"Oh, Eevee Three! A great tragedy had come upon us! Eevees One and Two have—hey, where are you going?"

Too late. Eevee Three had run out of sight, never to be seen again. This was not Janie's day at all.

She sighed as she pulled a pokéball out from under her hat. She hadn't used Eevee Four in a while—in fact, she didn't even remember the last time she had so much as let it outdoors. "Eevee Four, I choose you!"

After Eevee Four materialized, it occurred to Janie that maybe it had spent a little too much time in there. Eevee Four looked around, gasped in shock at the huge amount of open space, then collapsed in an epileptic fit. Uh-oh.

"Ack! My eevee is possessed! Everybody, run!" she screamed, forgetting that she was the only one there.

She ran for several hundredths of a mile, then tripped into an abra and got Teleported to a random beach. Just as soon as Janie got there, the abra Teleported away, leaving her alone. Well, alone except for . . .

"Go, Eevee Five!" she shouted, after pulling a pokéball out of her wristwatch.

As soon as Eevee Five appeared, it looked around, spotted the ocean, ran towards it, and was eaten by a shark.

"Oh no! This is terrible! What should I do?" She then pulled a pokéball out of her makeup bag. "Go, Eevee Six!"

Eevee Six materialized from its pokéball. It sat there and looked around for a bit, then abruptly stopped functioning due to a mysteriously delayed side-effect of inbreeding.

Janie, out of usable pokémon, blacked out and appeared in the Viridian pokémon center a few seconds later.

"What just happened. . . ?" Before Janie had time to do anything but stand there awkwardly, she heard someone slam the center doors open, which she didn't know you could do with sliding doors. A very angry man stormed up to her.

"Hello," he seethed. "My name is BILL! And I invented the Pokémon Storage System! And I own a lot of eevee! And I do a bunch of cool research stuff! And I can slam sliding doors! And your behavior DISPLEASES ME!"

Oddly enough, none of the center's occupants besides Janie reacted at all to Bill's outrage. Maybe this was a regular occurrence. "Uh what did I do?"

Bill didn't respond well to that. "What did you DO? I'll tell you what you did! You lost an entire team of eevee in less than two hours! What were you even doing with all those eevee?"

Janie puffed up in anger. "Those eevee were family heirlooms that I had raised with loving care—"

"HOW DARE YOU? You clearly don't know the first thing about raising such a delicate species!" He paced around in front of her. "This is what happens when a certain species gets popular. . . . They all get over-bred, overused, reduced to extreme suckyness . . .and then _this _happens. Well, there's only one thing to do," he said, turning back to Janie. "I'll give you another pokémon—one that I've been experimenting on for some time now. It's very unique to its species."

She gasped. "Wait, you're giving me, like, an enhanced pokémon? What's the catch?"

Bill smiled. If Janie had been slightly more observant, she might have noticed that his smile looked rather sinister. "According to article 3120 of Bill's Law Concerning the Improper Use of Eeevee, you are not allowed to own any other pokémon unless you defeat the Elite Four with this one. You are also not allowed to release it, trade it, or otherwise dispose of it in any way, shape, or form. If you refuse to follow these guidelines, you will no longer be able to legally own any kind of pokémon. Is that all clear?"

"Beat the Elite Four with a super powerful pokémon? F*** yeah!"

"Well, okay," Bill said, handing over a pokéball (after pulling it out of thin air). "His name is Magic. Take good care of him."

Bill calmly strolled out the center, the sliding doors swinging gently closed behind him.

Janie jumped in the air in happiness. "All right! Let's see what kind of beautiful pokémon of amazingness is in here! Magic, come on out!" She tossed the ball high in the air, accidentally breaking a light fixture on the ceiling. The ball opened to reveal a stunning, amazing, incredible . . .

Magic the magikarp.

"Karp!" The magikarp flopped around on the floor.

So _this _was the amazing pokémon? Janie scanned it with her pokédex to see what was so special about it.

_SPECIES: Magikarp._

_GENDER: Male._

_MOVE(S): Splash._

_OTHER INFORMATION: Mutation cause by overexposure to everstones. UNABLE TO EVOLVE._

"F*** YOU BILL!"


	5. Of Clothes and Pairings

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon.

A/N To anyone who might have been waiting for an update, I'm sorry for taking so long. I've had my hands full with other stuff. You know how it is.

Anyway, this story was inspired by both and Silvers45's suggestions involving over-description ( 's idea) and too many parings (Silvers45's).

Be prepared to burn your eyes out from overexposure to excessive clothing detail. Just a warning.

OoOoOoOoO

Of Clothes and Pairings

Oh, hi there peoples. Guess what! I'm gonna tell you a super-duper awesome story about these really fabulous girls who fall in love with really fabulous guys! Doesn't that sound fun?

Oh, and they're hot. If you didn't think this story was gonna be a masterpiece before, I bet you do now. Because they're hot.

Anyway, our story begins with Misty, May, Dawn, and Leaf just hangin' out in their shared apartment and stuff, chillaxin' and stuff. And listening to whatever's popular on the radio right now. 'Cause that stuff's so cool and stuff. Stuff, stuff, stuff.

Why are they all sharing an apartment together, you ask? Because this is AU, and I can do whatever I want. Besides, they need to be in the same location . . . for convenience

Why is Leaf there, you ask? Because it's AU! Also, I need someone to pair up with Gary. Aren't I smart for coming up with that idea?

Wait, no I'm not?

. . .

You guys are jerks. You think you're so much smarter than me, BUT YOU'RE NOT!

Anyway, I'll show you just how awesome these chicks are, and also give you some idea of what they're like as people in general. How will I do that, you ask?

I'll tell you what they're wearing, of course!

Misty was wearing a pair of skin-tight, low-rise, baby blue, ultra-sparkly cutoff jeans that she bought from Pokécrombie and Fitch. She was also wearing, um . . . here, let me Google it . . . um, a halter top? Yeah, the kind where there's a strap or whatever that goes behind your neck. Anyway, it was a light green, was made of a very fine material that was super comfortable and soft and clingy (to show off her amazing body), and had sparkles all over it. Plus she was wearing socks. No shoes though, 'cause she was inside.

May was wearing a pair of black, super tight skinny jeans with lots of rips and tears and worn patches and bleached-out areas on them. (They were put there on purpose to make the pants look cooler—and it totally worked!) Her shirt was a red tank top that had rips on the side, and the front of the shirt read, 'My Sexy Sense is Tingling'. For most people, these clothes would have made them look homeless. But the outfit looked totally fabulous and hot on May. (It also would have looked awesome on Misty or Dawn or Leaf or Gary.) And she had socks.

Dawn was wearing a short white skirt that was made of the finest silk (and that cost a load of money—money that might otherwise been wasted on things like charity or whatever). She was also wearing a . . . aw darn, what do you call it? A shirt that doesn't cover your middle. Whatever that's called. Anyway, her shirt was a light pink (baby pink?), was really tight, and had some sort of light blue swirly patterns or whatever on it. And she was wearing socks.

Leaf was wearing . . . I can't even think of anything she should wear. Oh well. Just know that she looked absolutely fabulous and hot. And was wearing socks.

Suddenly, Dawn's sparkly pink high-tech cell phone started to ring. Guess what happened next?

She answered it! Cool, right?

"Hello?" she said melodiously. "Who is it?"

"Hi Dawn!" said Paul. "It's me, Paul!" In case you don't know, Paul is this really mean (i.e. awesome) guy from Sinnoh. In the anime, he's all cold and hostile, but since this is AU, I can make him act however I want.

"Hi Paul!" said Dawn, as the other girls in the room listened in. "What's up?"

"Well," said Paul in a really annoying voice, "me, Ash, Drew, and Gary got some cool news. Our new album set a record for the fastest-selling album this year."

Yep, that's right; Paul, Ash, Drew, and Gary are all pop stars. 'Cause this is AU.

"Oh, that's nice," she said, without showing any real sign of being impressed. Paul was less than pleased.

"That's it?" he asked. "We make a top-selling album, and all you can say is 'That's nice'?"

"Well," said Dawn, "seeing as our new album is about to hit stores, I don't see your record staying on the top for very long." The other girls in the room snickered sexily. It's possible for them to snicker sexily, 'cause this is AU.

And yeah, the girls are pop stars, too.

Anyway, Dawn and Paul argued on the phone for a while, with Dawn totally pwning Paul with every word she said. I know Dawn doesn't exactly do stuff like that in the anime, but like I said, this is AU.

Anyway, after a long, boring talk that I won't bother to tell you about, Dawn hung up. Story flow ftw!

"Well, guys," she said. "Ash, Gary, Drew, and Paul said they're going over to a club at nine o' clock tonight. What do you say we head on over there and surprise them?

The others all immediately agreed to Dawn's plan. Then they started to talk about clothes and hairstyles and all that important stuff, until May looked at the clock and gasped.

"Oh em gee, guys!" she shouted. It's four o' clock in the afternoon! We only have five hours to get ready before we have to be at the club!"

The others gasped in horror, and immediately began to run around and do all the mysterious stuff that girls do to get ready for a night out at a club. I'm not exactly sure why it would take so long to get ready, but whatever. They were being sexily meticulous.

Oh, and just so you know, 'meticulous' is like totally a really big and cool word, and you can tell I'm smart because I used it.

And then boom, they were at the club. And the guys were also there, and they were all awestruck at how amazing the girls looked, even though they saw them on a regular basis and so they should have been used to them. But this is AU, so I have the freedom to make them act however I want. Anyway, the following conversation went something like this:

"Wow! You girls look amazing!"

"Thanks! So do you guys."

"Thanks! But seriously though, you look so amazing and gorgeous and hot. I never realized how beautiful you were."

"Oh, stop it. We're not _that _hot."

And so the next few hours were spent with the guys complimenting the girls, and the girls disagreeing with them and insisting that they weren't all that or whatever. It was a really boring conversation, so I'm not going to give you any more details.

Time jump!

A few weeks later, Misty's and May's and Dawn's and Leaf's album hit the stores, and it sold out really quickly! The album had songs about partying and drinking and boyfriends and everything else that's awesome and trendy. Ash, Gary, Drew, and Paul were shocked and a little bit jealous at how successful the girls' album was.

. . . I don't really know what else to add to this story, other than that eventually Ash and Misty ended up together, as did Drew and May, Dawn and Paul, and Gary and Leaf. That was, of course, after some sort of situation happened where the boys faked a relationship with the girls for some reason, the girls found out and promptly dumped them, and then the boys begged for forgiveness and were eventually pardoned. Then they happily dated for a while.

But alas, all good things must come to an end. About a year after the faking-their-relationships fiasco, Ash, Gary, Drew, and Paul found that dating their current girlfriends wasn't what it was all cracked up to be. Ash got tired of Misty always throwing things at him or hitting him with her mallet whenever she got mad (it was really funny whenever that happened, though, so I don't know what his deal was), so he broke up with her; Gary found that he didn't enjoy dating a non-anime character, and Leaf later went back her game to be a trainer and remained happily single (not that I know how that's even possible to enjoy being single); Drew and May got into some big fight about who was a better Coordinator, then split up; and Dawn and Paul finally got tired of each other due to the fact that they had practically nothing in common, apparently forgetting about the freaking 'opposites attract' rule.

And thus ends the super tragic tale of a bunch of good-looking, talented people.

Moral of the story?

Please don't stuff stories with pairings, or they'll end up looking like this.

Thuh End

OoOoOoOoO

A/N Sorry for the level of derp in this chapter. D: I'm really not good at writing . . . stuff like this. At any rate, I hope it was entertaining. If it wasn't, well, at least this was a short chapter! herp derp

If you have time, please send me some feed back. What did you like about this chapter? What didn't you like? Do you think I should write more stuff about canon, or about annoying OC's? Whatever you have to say, please help yourself to the review button!

Oh, and I have a little question about Chapter 3. Did any of you guys notice something interesting about the Mary Sue's initials? Well, did you? :D

Anyway, reviews are much appreciated, and will earn you delicious cyber-cookies. Also (shameless self-advertising here), if you have the time, maybe you could check out my non-crack story, 'Soundless' (and vote on my poll involving said story if you're interested).

Okay, this Author's Note is getting absurdly long. Bye!


	6. Cry of the Coma Theory

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon.

A/N Heya, peoples. Did ya miss me? :D To all of you who might have been waiting, sorry for the long delay; I was working on my only non-crack story I have right now, and that taxes this poor crack-writer's brain. xD (Also, I couldn't think of how to write this particular chapter.)

Anyway, this chapter is about the Coma Theory (as suggested by KawaiiJoltic). For those of you who don't know what it is, it's basically the idea that Ash has been in a coma since after he got attacked by the flock of spearow and fearow, and the rest of the series is just a dream. The poem I wrote pokes fun at the fanfic writers who take that idea AND RUIN IT.

And yes, like I said, it's a poem. I thought it would make it more interesting that way—I really didn't know how to write it in prose without making it extremely boring. -.-

Also, someone PLEASE tell me how to make it so that the poem is not squished together like this! I would be happy to fix it, but Fanfiction won't let me! D:

Uh, anyway, enjoy.

OoOoOoOoO

_Cry of the Coma Theory_

The far-fetched and fascinating Coma Theory is fake,

To all of you people who perhaps didn't know.

Our hero, Ash Ketchum, never once took a break

To dream up what is now the famed Pokémon show.

When people write up a story about this,

The same exact thing happens time after time:

Ash quickly awakens to find something amiss—

And then the poor plot transforms into slime.

For when the young boy wakes up not long too after

The spearow and fearow flock made their attack,

What happens next is quite a lot dafter

Than a bunch of drunk slowbro, all high on cheap crack.

Ash Ketchum's life is turned upside-down

By a writer who can't make a half-decent plot,

And while said writer clowning around,

Poor Ash is stuck fast in a cliché-filled spot.

He soon gets rare pokémon—eevee, most likely,

And goes on a journey you're sure to forget,

And then meets a girl, one young and quite sprightly,

Either Misty, May, Dawn, Iris, or the author, I bet.

The thing that I know and the thing that I claim,

Is that nothing new happens in these these stories at all—

There's just an OC with Ash Ketchum's name

Who goes about being the master of all.

The plot line gets worse, you can be sure,

The further the reader reads in,

For soon he has dragon types, shinies, and more,

And you are left wondering, "Why did this begin?"

So please listen, dear Reader, to my humble advice—

Don't write a story based on this thing.

It's been trampled and hurt, beaten half to death (twice),

And our good Theory no longer has interest to bring.

For if some poor victim clicks on your tale,

He'll recoil in horror, and his eyes will get wetter.

He'll then fall to knees and, in great despair, wail,

"Even the stupid old anime's better!"

OoOoOoOoO

A/N Uh . . . tah-dah?


End file.
